“The family has lost its way in America,” wrote counselor and author Gary Chapman. He was one of the featured speakers in family life conferences at Metropolitan Baptist Church in Oklahoma City when I was pastor there. We hosted these popular events in January for several years because of the obvious need for guidance for married couples and parents.
Judith Wallerstein was a research professor at the University of California at Berkeley. She wrote, “The kind of society we have in the future will depend on how we address relationships within the family.” She observed that the social forces supporting healthy family life are weakening.
Among these social forces are trends such as co-habitation. Couples living together without being married is now accepted as normal. Social psychologists play down the fact that this trend is a failure as a testing ground for marriage, with a much higher divorce rate among married couples who co-habited before getting married.
Other changes in moral norms include acceptance of non-traditional families, a culture of divorce, and widespread cynicism about traditional marriage. Millions of young adults, many of whom say they have never seen a happy marriage, are cautious about entering it.
Yet research on the American family indicates that lifelong monogamous marriage is associated with positive outcomes in every measure of social and emotional health. Children who grow up with a father and a mother do better in school, have better physical health, can expect to have longer lives, and have better economic advantages. “A stable, two-parent family is a child’s best protection against poverty,” said one researcher.
Many academic studies on family life research problems but offer little authoritative moral and spiritual guidance. This was one of the reasons we offered, in January, after the busy and stressful holiday season, an opportunity for couples to find practical help for their marriages and for their roles as parents. We believed that the best help would come from the wisdom of the Bible. It proved to be true for hundreds of couples and I am glad we did it.
For example, the Book of Proverbs is a treasury of ancient wisdom offering guidance for right living in the highest sense. It teaches that marriage is a covenant made with God (Proverbs 2:17). It is much more than a contract made with society.
Proverbs has much to say about parenting and the roles of parents in imparting wisdom to children (Proverbs 2:1-2; 3:1-2). This means that they will spend time together. Surveys of teachers and police officers conclude that the leading cause of teen violence is lack of supervision at home. Gary Chapman wrote that “the words ‘I love you,’ apart from spending quality time with a child, will seem like empty chatter. The parent’s words may be sincere, but the child will not feel loved.”
Healthy communication is another characteristic of healthy family life. Read Proverbs chapters 4 and 5 to see how sound teaching, guidance, and wisdom for living are imparted. Wisdom is the great goal (Proverbs 2:2-12). Wisdom is the knowledge and skill to follow in the ways of God.
Robert Lewis wrote, “Healthy families are characterized by strong, supportive, honest communication. They talk to one another about everything. They turn off the TV and ask questions. They are committed to Ephesians 4:28 — ‘Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment.'”
An atmosphere of appreciation is another trait that may be learned from the book of Proverbs. Note how many of the proverbs reflect honor to wives. “A prudent wife is from the Lord” (Proverbs 19:14). “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” (Proverbs 12:4). Proverbs 31:10-31 is a famous tribute to the wife of noble character. Gary Smalley wrote that “high admiration is an anchor for relationships.” John Gottman of the University of Washington concluded a 25 year study of hundreds of marriages by saying that “one of the indicators of happy marriages is showing respect and honor.”
Spiritual commitment is woven through the Book of Proverbs. It is assumed to be the foundation of a life lived well. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” (Proverbs 9:10).
Unsurprisingly, this was one of the components of strong families that were identified in a major international research study led by Dr. Nick Stinnett of the University of Nebraska. He found six main qualities of strong families. They are committed to the family, they spend time together, they have good communication, they express appreciation to each other, they are able to solve problems in a crisis, and they have a spiritual commitment.
While not prescribing what that spiritual commitment should be, the researchers left the door wide open for good churches, pastors and parents to define it. It is summarized in Proverbs 22:6 — “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”
Pastor Randy Faulkner