Try this True/False quiz. (1) Some conflict in married life is normal. (2) Conflicts do not always result in arguments. (3) Unresolved conflicts damage marriages. (4) Each time an old conflict resurfaces, without resolution, the “problem” becomes more acute. (5) Managing conflict is a sign of emotional maturity.
How did you answer? In fact all five answers are true!
When I was pastor of Calvary Baptist Church of Covington, Kentucky, on two occasions the church hosted marriage enrichment conferences featuring Tim and Beverly LaHaye. They had an effective ministry to the hundreds of people who attended these conferences.
One of the reasons was their transparency. I was surprised when Dr. LaHaye admitted to the crowd that in earlier years he and his wife had struggled with unresolved conflicts in their marriage. He said that he’d had a problem with anger and she would respond with silence and withdrawal. “By the time we were 12 years into our marriage, we had become two strong-willed personalities of the opposite sex who lived in the same house, shared the same children, held the same spiritual values, but disagreed on almost everything else.”
He told how, through the ministry of Christian psychologist Henry Brandt, he confronted his anger, selfishness, and hypocrisy. As he surrendered to the Holy Spirit, God began to change their marriage from “joint bullheadedness” to love, joy and peace. LaHaye taught the congregation about the importance of facing conflicts with the help of the Holy Spirit and honest communication.
John Gottman wrote, “A marriage that endures is based on the ability of the husband and wife to work through the conflicts that inevitably arise in any relationship. Contrary to popular belief, it is no sign of marital health to claim, ‘we never fight.’ Growth comes through resolving differences.”
Stephen Covey wrote about a conversation he had with a man who was worried about his marriage. “My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”
Covey asked, “The feeling isn’t there anymore?” “That’s right, and we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”
“Love her,” Covey answered. The man responded, “I told you, the feeling isn’t there anymore. “Love her.” “You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.” Covey said, “Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”
“But how do you love when you don’t love?” “My friend,” Covey replied, “love is a verb. Love — the feeling — is a fruit of love, the verb. So, love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”
He was right. It has been said that it is easier to act your way into a new way of feeling than to feel your way into a new way of acting. According to Covey’s explanation, and the Bible’s, love is an action. It is a sign of maturity to subordinate one’s feelings to unselfish loving actions. Feelings of love can be recaptured when we do that.
Our Lord gave guidance for when conflicts disturb our relationships. He said, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).
Jesus makes several important points. First, he is acknowledging that there will be times when brothers and sisters, and husbands and wives, will have disagreements and offences. He tells us what to do about them. Resolving conflict is better than retreating from conflict.
Then he says, “Go.” Take the initiative. Make the effort. For husbands and wives, it may mean hiring a sitter for the children so the couple can go on a date to talk through some issues. It may mean admitting, “I’m not satisfied with myself and our lack of time together.” It may require an apology for words spoken or offending behavior.
Third, Jesus said to make it a priority. Do it now. Set everything aside to make things right. Relational conflicts can hinder our worship of God. We should seek reconciliation with others before we come to God in worship. Managing conflict is a sign of emotional and spiritual maturity.
It’s work. But it works.
Pastor Randy Faulkner