Tag: love

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How to Have a Good Fight

Try this True/False quiz. (1) Some conflict in married life is normal. (2) Conflicts do not always result in arguments. (3) Unresolved conflicts damage marriages. (4) Each time an old conflict resurfaces, without resolution, the “problem” becomes more acute. (5) Managing conflict is a sign of emotional maturity.

How did you answer? In fact all five answers are true!

When I was pastor of Calvary Baptist Church of Covington, Kentucky, on two occasions the church hosted marriage enrichment conferences featuring Tim and Beverly LaHaye. They had an effective ministry to the hundreds of people who attended these conferences.

One of the reasons was their transparency. I was surprised when Dr. LaHaye admitted to the crowd that in earlier years he and his wife had struggled with unresolved conflicts in their marriage. He said that he’d had a problem with anger and she would respond with silence and withdrawal. “By the time we were 12 years into our marriage, we had become two strong-willed personalities of the opposite sex who lived in the same house, shared the same children, held the same spiritual values, but disagreed on almost everything else.”

He told how, through the ministry of Christian psychologist Henry Brandt, he confronted his anger, selfishness, and hypocrisy. As he surrendered to the Holy Spirit, God began to change their marriage from “joint bullheadedness” to love, joy and peace. LaHaye taught the congregation about the importance of facing conflicts with the help of the Holy Spirit and honest communication.

John Gottman wrote, “A marriage that endures is based on the ability of the husband and wife to work through the conflicts that inevitably arise in any relationship. Contrary to popular belief, it is no sign of marital health to claim, ‘we never fight.’ Growth comes through resolving differences.”

Stephen Covey wrote about a conversation he had with a man who was worried about his marriage. “My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”

Covey asked, “The feeling isn’t there anymore?” “That’s right, and we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”

“Love her,” Covey answered.  The man responded, “I told you, the feeling isn’t there anymore. “Love her.” “You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.” Covey said, “Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”

“But how do you love when you don’t love?” “My friend,” Covey replied, “love is a verb. Love — the feeling — is a fruit of love, the verb. So, love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

He was right. It has been said that it is easier to act your way into a new way of feeling than to feel your way into a new way of acting. According to Covey’s explanation, and the Bible’s, love is an action. It is a sign of maturity to subordinate one’s feelings to unselfish loving actions. Feelings of love can be recaptured when we do that.

Our Lord gave guidance for when conflicts disturb our relationships. He said, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).

Jesus makes several important points. First, he is acknowledging that there will be times when brothers and sisters, and husbands and wives, will have disagreements and offences. He tells us what to do about them. Resolving conflict is better than retreating from conflict.

Then he says, “Go.” Take the initiative. Make the effort. For husbands and wives, it may mean hiring a sitter for the children so the couple can go on a date to talk through some issues. It may mean admitting, “I’m not satisfied with myself and our lack of time together.” It may require an apology for words spoken or offending behavior.

Third, Jesus said to make it a priority. Do it now. Set everything aside to make things right. Relational conflicts can hinder our worship of God. We should seek reconciliation with others before we come to God in worship. Managing conflict is a sign of emotional and spiritual maturity.

It’s work. But it works.

Pastor Randy Faulkner

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Living with the End in Mind

Last Sunday Connie and I heard a brilliant exposition of 1 Peter 4:7-11. My friend Pastor Mike Philliber talked about how we are to live in uncertain times. As he taught, my mind went to some of the uncertainties of our day: the threat of war in Eastern Europe, the ongoing pandemic, the divisions in our nation, and recent increases in violent crime.

“The end of all things is near,” wrote Peter. The apostle’s readers may have had in mind the changing social and political norms in the first century Roman Empire. They may have thought of the destruction of Jerusalem and the dispersion of the Jewish people in AD 70. Their world was in a state of upheaval. Also, it is possible, even probable, that readers of Peter’s letter would have associated his words with the imminent return of Jesus. The New Testament writers (including Peter) continually emphasized the return of Christ to influence the believers’ attitudes, actions and relationships.

Pastor Mike carefully explained Peter’s words written to the first century church. They are relevant to our present time too. If we take seriously the possibility of “the end of all things,” then it will certainly influence how we live. “Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray,” said Peter. “Be steady,” said Pastor Mike. “Let there be no panic, no hysteria, no alarm. Instead be self-controlled and prayerful.” Good words to American Christians who are tempted to surrender to anxiety.

Peter wrote, “Above all, love each other deeply. . . . Offer hospitality to to one another without grumbling.” Pastor Mike explained that this kind of generous Christian community must be a priority: “Above all!” Some of the people to whom Peter was writing were persecuted, suffering refugees (1 Peter 1:1, 6). Their very survival depended on the willingness of other church members to take them in and to care for them. This kind of love is being practiced in places around the world today where believers in Jesus are persecuted for their faith.

Peter went on the say that, in light of “the end of all things,” believers should invest their lives in serving God using the abilities and opportunities God has given them. He wrote, “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” Every Christian has been endowed with some spiritual gifts (abilities). Some of our Lord’s parables about his second coming remind us to stay faithful in serving him by serving others as we anticipate his coming (Matthew 25:14-30).

Doing this is an act of worship to God. “So that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.” This is to be our motivation as we live in expectation of the second coming of Jesus and live today in a world where life as we know it is ending and changing before our eyes.

The present troubles of the world do not prove that the Lord’s return must be near. The scriptures have always taught that the Lord’s return could be near (at any time. This is the meaning of the word “imminent.”) And there have always been troubles in the world. But today’s troubling circumstances remind us that this world is not the Christian’s final home. We are to live in anticipation of Christ’s return. Peter’s letter is telling us how to do that and do it well.

John Macarthur wrote, “That’s why it’s so important to cultivate a watchful expectancy for the imminent coming of Christ. The point is not to make us obsessed with worldly events. In fact, if your interest in the return of Christ becomes a consuming fixation with what is happening in this world, you have utterly missed the point. The knowledge that Christ’s return is imminent should turn our hearts toward heaven, ‘from which we also wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ’ (Philippians 3:20).”

Pastor Randy Faulkner

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Self-giving Love

With St. Valentine’s Day approaching, our thoughts turn to love. Many thinkers have offered opinions on the subject. Ambrose Bierce said it is “a temporary insanity.” Jeremy Taylor described love as “friendship set on fire.” It is “a hole in the heart,” wrote Ben Hecht. John Ciardi said love is “the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.”

It is “not getting, but giving,” said Henry Van Dyke. Peter Ustinov described human love as “endless forgiveness.” Ralph Waldo Emerson said love is “a synonym for God.”

Perhaps Emerson was alluding to the New Testament where we read that “God is love” (1 John 4:8, 16). Love may be the most basic of the moral attributes of God by which we understand and define him. Love is God’s eternal self-giving, self-sacrificing action.

I believe that the love of God is one of the best evidences for the Trinity, or the tri-unity of God. Love, to be expressed, must have an object, or recipient. So in eternity, before time and creation, God was love. The Father loved the Son and the Spirit. The Son loved the Father and the Spirit. The Holy Spirit loved the Father and the Son. Each of the persons of the Godhead reciprocated in the giving and receiving of pure, joyful, eternal love. For this giving and receiving God needed nothing and no one outside of himself. God was love before there were any created beings.

The act of creating the heavens and the earth was an act of self-giving love. “The earth is full of his unfailing love. By the word of the Lord were the heavens made. . . . He spoke and it came to be; he commanded and it stood firm. . . . But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love” (Psalm 33:5-6, 9, 18).

To say that “God is love” is not to say that “love is God.” Love is much more than abstract thought or mere emotion. C. S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity, “The words ‘God is love’ have no real meaning unless God contains at least two Persons. Love is something that one person has for another person. If God was a single person, then before the world was made, he was not love.” Lewis went on to describe the eternal love of God as “a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance.”

The giving and receiving we call love is possible for and in us because God loved us first. “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we ought to also love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

“This is how we know that we live in him and he in us; He has given us of his Spirit And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us” (1 John 4:9-16).

There it is, the self-giving, sacrificial love of the Trinitarian God. The act of sending his Son Jesus into the world to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins was an act of God’s self-giving love. Those who receive his love in receiving Jesus Christ, are said to be capable of giving Christian love to others. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

On St. Valentine’s Day as we give and receive expressions of love, let’s remember where love originated.

Pasto Randy Faulkner

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Love Grows by Expression

In case you hadn’t noticed, today is St. Valentine’s Day. This day is observed all over the world as an occasion to express feelings of affection. It is named in honor of St. Valentine, a third-century Roman martyr who died on February 14 around the year 270. He is said to be the patron saint of lovers.

Many traditions are associated with him. One my mother told me when I was a boy had to do with his imprisonment. He sent messages from the jail on heart-shaped ivy leaves to a friend on the outside. This story gave rise to the practice of sending similar messages on heart-shaped greeting cards, called “valentines.”

Whether or not this legend is true, the greeting card manufacturers make sure we see their displays of valentine cards in every store we enter. Even convenience stores and gas stations sell flowers to remind us of the day. We buy the cards and the flowers because we want to communicate love with tangible expressions. These gestures touch the heart of their recipients.

The first letter of John says a lot about how we may love God. What touches his heart is more than words. “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). God sees it when we put our love for him into action by loving others in tangible ways. “And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister” (1 John 3:21).

Love grows by expression. The more we show our love by serving others, the more our love for them, and for God, will grow. The famous Bible teacher Dr. John Mitchell used to say, “Love is sincerely wishing the other person God’s very best and taking whatever action is necessary to see that accomplished.” It’s true for marriages, workplaces, neighborhoods, churches, and anywhere else love is needed.

I read a story about a man who was standing in the greeting card section of a store. He was having trouble picking out a card. A clerk asked if she could help.

He said, “Well, it’s our fortieth wedding anniversary but I can’t find a card that says what I want to say. You know forty years ago it wouldn’t have been any trouble picking out a card. Back then I thought I knew what love was. But we love each other so much more today. I just can’t find a card that says it.”

I thought as I read this, “Here is a married couple who have shared forty years of unselfishness, forgiveness, companionship and taking care of each other.” That is love. It has grown and grown because it has been expressed ‘in actions and in truth.’ No wonder he couldn’t find an appropriate card!”

    –  Pastor Randy Faulkner

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