Tag: marriage

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How to Have a Good Fight

Try this True/False quiz. (1) Some conflict in married life is normal. (2) Conflicts do not always result in arguments. (3) Unresolved conflicts damage marriages. (4) Each time an old conflict resurfaces, without resolution, the “problem” becomes more acute. (5) Managing conflict is a sign of emotional maturity.

How did you answer? In fact all five answers are true!

When I was pastor of Calvary Baptist Church of Covington, Kentucky, on two occasions the church hosted marriage enrichment conferences featuring Tim and Beverly LaHaye. They had an effective ministry to the hundreds of people who attended these conferences.

One of the reasons was their transparency. I was surprised when Dr. LaHaye admitted to the crowd that in earlier years he and his wife had struggled with unresolved conflicts in their marriage. He said that he’d had a problem with anger and she would respond with silence and withdrawal. “By the time we were 12 years into our marriage, we had become two strong-willed personalities of the opposite sex who lived in the same house, shared the same children, held the same spiritual values, but disagreed on almost everything else.”

He told how, through the ministry of Christian psychologist Henry Brandt, he confronted his anger, selfishness, and hypocrisy. As he surrendered to the Holy Spirit, God began to change their marriage from “joint bullheadedness” to love, joy and peace. LaHaye taught the congregation about the importance of facing conflicts with the help of the Holy Spirit and honest communication.

John Gottman wrote, “A marriage that endures is based on the ability of the husband and wife to work through the conflicts that inevitably arise in any relationship. Contrary to popular belief, it is no sign of marital health to claim, ‘we never fight.’ Growth comes through resolving differences.”

Stephen Covey wrote about a conversation he had with a man who was worried about his marriage. “My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”

Covey asked, “The feeling isn’t there anymore?” “That’s right, and we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”

“Love her,” Covey answered.  The man responded, “I told you, the feeling isn’t there anymore. “Love her.” “You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.” Covey said, “Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”

“But how do you love when you don’t love?” “My friend,” Covey replied, “love is a verb. Love — the feeling — is a fruit of love, the verb. So, love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

He was right. It has been said that it is easier to act your way into a new way of feeling than to feel your way into a new way of acting. According to Covey’s explanation, and the Bible’s, love is an action. It is a sign of maturity to subordinate one’s feelings to unselfish loving actions. Feelings of love can be recaptured when we do that.

Our Lord gave guidance for when conflicts disturb our relationships. He said, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).

Jesus makes several important points. First, he is acknowledging that there will be times when brothers and sisters, and husbands and wives, will have disagreements and offences. He tells us what to do about them. Resolving conflict is better than retreating from conflict.

Then he says, “Go.” Take the initiative. Make the effort. For husbands and wives, it may mean hiring a sitter for the children so the couple can go on a date to talk through some issues. It may mean admitting, “I’m not satisfied with myself and our lack of time together.” It may require an apology for words spoken or offending behavior.

Third, Jesus said to make it a priority. Do it now. Set everything aside to make things right. Relational conflicts can hinder our worship of God. We should seek reconciliation with others before we come to God in worship. Managing conflict is a sign of emotional and spiritual maturity.

It’s work. But it works.

Pastor Randy Faulkner

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Why Marriage Matters

Marriage is more than a piece of paper. The New Testament tells us that it is a covenant centered in Jesus Christ. It is an expression, in physical and relational terms, of the love of God. For this reason, it is said to be a “profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:32).

There are three great mysteries in Christian theology. One is the Trinity. Another is the incarnation of God in Jesus Christ. The third is the mystery of marriage as a picture of Christ and his love for the church. Marriage is more than physical attraction, more than emotional compatibility. The great goal of Christian marriage is spiritual one-ness, the relationship of a man and a woman centered in Jesus.

James Boice went so far as to say that no one would be able to understand the truest, deepest meaning of marriage who is not submitted to Jesus Christ. He said that no marriage could attain its true potential unless those in the relationship pursue it according to God’s standards.

Marriage matters because it teaches us who we are. Ephesians 5 says that Christian believers are God’s “dearly loved children” (v. 1), and “children of light” (v.8). As such, we are told to “find out what pleases the Lord” (v. 10) and live accordingly. Marriage holds up a mirror to our lives and exposes us to the reality of who we really are in relation to God’s word (vv. 3-21).

Professor Howard Hendricks was speaking at a conference and an eager young man came up to him after his talk. He called Hendricks “a great man.” On the drive home Hendricks turned to his wife and said, “A great man. How many great men do you know?” “One fewer then you think,” she answered. Professor Hendricks often told that story on himself to demonstrate that God gives good wives to husbands to help them keep their feet on the ground.

In his book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas wrote, “What marriage has done for me is hold up a mirror to my sin. It forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness, and anti-Christian attitudes, encouraging me to be sanctified and cleansed and to grow in godliness.”

Thomas Hart wrote, “In and through our spouse, God becomes real to us in human form. There is a flesh-and-blood person sitting next to me who flinches when she sees what should make me flinch, but doesn’t — and I see my hard heart exposed by her soft one.”

Marriage matters because it teaches us how to live. Ephesians 5:21-33 contains an eloquent, inspired description of Christ-centered marriage. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” it says. This means that in a Christian marriage, each lives for the other. This contradicts abuse, permissiveness, independence, and selfishness.

Verses 22-24 describe unselfish wives. As they submit to the Lord, they adapt themselves to their husbands, who are assigned leadership in the home. The husband’s role is not authoritarian dictatorship, but loving, responsible servant-leadership.

Unselfish husbands (v.25) will love their wives as Christ loved the church, sacrificing their own interests, as necessary, as Christ sacrificed himself for the church. In this way, the Christian husband loves his wife, elevating, honoring, and serving her. Marriage teaches husbands to love their wives as they love themselves (v.33).

The ability to live unselfishly does not come naturally. It is supernatural. It comes from the Holy Spirit (v. 18). It is God’s Spirit who gives us the power to live unselfishly.

I read a beautiful story that illustrates this principle. It comes from an old Jewish fable about how the spot was chosen for God’s holy temple. Two brothers worked a common field and a common mill. Each night they divided whatever grain they produced and each took his portion home.

One brother was single and one was married with a large family. The single brother decided that his married brother needed more grain than he did, so at night he secretly crept over to his brother’s granary and gave him an extra portion. The married brother realized that his single brother didn’t have children to care for him in his old age. Concerned about his brother’s future, he got up at night and secretly deposited some grain in his single brother’s granary.

One night they met halfway between the two granaries, and each realized what the other was doing. They embraced, and as the story goes, God witnessed what happened and said, “This is a holy place — a place of love — and it is here that my temple shall be built.” It is this kind of unselfishness that should characterize a marriage.

Marriage matters because it has been created by God himself to make known his love in human relationships. In Christian marriage human beings discover themselves, discover each other, and learn to live together in a way that pleases God.

Pastor Randy Faulkner

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Functional Families in a Dysfunctional World

“The family has lost its way in America,” wrote counselor and author Gary Chapman. He was one of the featured speakers in family life conferences at Metropolitan Baptist Church in Oklahoma City when I was pastor there. We hosted these popular events in January for several years because of the obvious need for guidance for married couples and parents.

Judith Wallerstein was a research professor at the University of California at Berkeley. She wrote, “The kind of society we have in the future will depend on how we address relationships within the family.” She observed that the social forces supporting healthy family life are weakening.

Among these social forces are trends such as co-habitation. Couples living together without being married is now accepted as normal. Social psychologists play down the fact that this trend is a failure as a testing ground for marriage, with a much higher divorce rate among married couples who co-habited before getting married.

Other changes in moral norms include acceptance of non-traditional families, a culture of divorce, and widespread cynicism about traditional marriage. Millions of young adults, many of whom say they have never seen a happy marriage, are cautious about entering it.

Yet research on the American family indicates that lifelong monogamous marriage is associated with positive outcomes in every measure of social and emotional health. Children who grow up with a father and a mother do better in school, have better physical health, can expect to have longer lives, and have better economic advantages. “A stable, two-parent family is a child’s best protection against poverty,” said one researcher.

Many academic studies on family life research problems but offer little authoritative moral and spiritual guidance. This was one of the reasons we offered, in January, after the busy and stressful holiday season, an opportunity for couples to find practical help for their marriages and for their roles as parents. We believed that the best help would come from the wisdom of the Bible. It proved to be true for hundreds of couples and I am glad we did it.

For example, the Book of Proverbs is a treasury of ancient wisdom offering guidance for right living in the highest sense. It teaches that marriage is a covenant made with God (Proverbs 2:17). It is much more than a contract made with society.

Proverbs has much to say about parenting and the roles of parents in imparting wisdom to children (Proverbs 2:1-2; 3:1-2). This means that they will spend time together. Surveys of teachers and police officers conclude that the leading cause of teen violence is lack of supervision at home. Gary Chapman wrote that “the words ‘I love you,’ apart from spending quality time with a child, will seem like empty chatter. The parent’s words may be sincere, but the child will not feel loved.”

Healthy communication is another characteristic of healthy family life. Read Proverbs chapters 4 and 5 to see how sound teaching, guidance, and wisdom for living are imparted. Wisdom is the great goal (Proverbs 2:2-12). Wisdom is the knowledge and skill to follow in the ways of God.

Robert Lewis wrote, “Healthy families are characterized by strong, supportive, honest communication. They talk to one another about everything. They turn off the TV and ask questions. They are committed to Ephesians 4:28 — ‘Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment.'”

An atmosphere of appreciation is another trait that may be learned from the book of Proverbs. Note how many of the proverbs reflect honor to wives. “A prudent wife is from the Lord” (Proverbs 19:14). “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” (Proverbs 12:4). Proverbs 31:10-31 is a famous tribute to the wife of noble character. Gary Smalley wrote that “high admiration is an anchor for relationships.” John Gottman of the University of Washington concluded a 25 year study of hundreds of marriages by saying that “one of the indicators of happy marriages is showing respect and honor.”

Spiritual commitment is woven through the Book of Proverbs. It is assumed to be the foundation of a life lived well. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” (Proverbs 9:10).

Unsurprisingly, this was one of the components of strong families that were identified in a major international research study led by Dr. Nick Stinnett of the University of Nebraska. He found six main qualities of strong families. They are committed to the family, they spend time together, they have good communication, they express appreciation to each other, they are able to solve problems in a crisis, and they have a spiritual commitment.

While not prescribing what that spiritual commitment should be, the researchers left the door wide open for good churches, pastors and parents to define it. It is summarized in Proverbs 22:6 — “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

Pastor Randy Faulkner

 

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Why Can’t I Get Through to God?

I pulled up at an intersection hoping to turn onto a thoroughfare only to discover that the street looked like a parking lot. Traffic had been diverted through our normally quiet neighborhood from a freeway several miles away. A truck accident was blocking the roadway and rush hour traffic was backed up for miles. My route was blocked.

Did you ever have the feeling that your prayer life was choked by spiritual grid lock? That no matter what you tried, you didn’t feel that you were getting through to God?

Isaiah the prophet put his finger on this condition when he wrote, “Your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear” (Isaiah 59:2). In the New Testament  James understood this problem: “When you ask you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives” (James 4:3).

There are hindrances to prayer that must be cleared away if we want to get through to God. I will mention three of them.

Unbelief

There is an old story of a midwestern town that was suffering from an extended drought. The townspeople decided it was time to gather to pray for rain. When they came together only one small girl had faith enough to bring an umbrella! That’s how it is too often for some Christians. They pray without expecting that God will answer their prayers.

James 1:7 says that unbelief is a major obstacle to prayer. What can we do about our doubts? First, we should keep on praying. We should not let our anxious misgivings keep us from coming to God out of sheer obedience. When our faith is wavering let us pray the prayer of the helpless father in Mark 9:17-24: “Lord I believe; help my unbelief!”

Second, we should remind ourselves of God’s promises. It is said that George Muller kept a careful record of his prayer requests — and of God’s answers. His prayer journal was a reminder to him of God’s faithfulness to his word.

Once I was praying with a Christian man who was unemployed. He was distressed and desperately needed to see God supply the needs of his family. I heard him pour out his heart to his heavenly Father, reciting one after another of God’s promises. My own faith was strengthened as he prayed.

Weariness

It is easy to identify with the disciples of our Lord. The hour was late. They had just eaten a big meal. They were exhausted.

The gospels record how they fell asleep at the very time Jesus needed their companionship in prayer (Matthew 26:36-41). Three times the Lord found them sleeping. His words, “The spirit is willing but the body is weak” show how patient he was with their physical limitations — and with ours.

Prayer is not easy. It is not always enjoyable. It requires dedication and persistence So, we should set aside some good time for prayer when our minds are alert and our bodies are rested. King David made it a point to meet with God in the morning. “In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you” (Psalm 5:3).

The prophet Elijah was physically and emotionally drained. He was so depressed that the only prayer he could manage was for death to take him (1 Kings 19:4-7). Before God began to use him again, he sent an angel to minister to his physical needs. After Elijah had slept for a while and had taken nourishment, God sent him back to an effective ministry. Sometimes the best aid to a spiritual life is a good night’s sleep.

Marital conflict

Some folks make the mistake of trying to develop a relationship with God while ignoring their relationship with their spouses. The apostle Peter says they are connected. Christian wives are to adapt themselves to their husbands’ leadership and husbands are to treat their wives with consideration and respect (1 Peter 3:1-7). This, he says, is so that nothing will hinder their prayers!

The Bible says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:23). How can we husbands love our wives as Christ loves the church? Christ laid down his life for the church. Most husbands would react instinctively if their wives were in danger, sacrificing themselves if necessary. But in addition to the heroic moments that may come once in a lifetime, there is the daily sacrifice of one’s self-interest in little ways for the benefit of the wife.

How does Christ love the church? Christ intercedes for us (John 17; Hebrews 7:25). A husband who loves his wife will pray for her. Christ is building his church (Matthew 16:19). Christian husbands are to build up their wives instead of cutting them down with criticism (Colossians 3:19).

How does Christ love the church? He listens when we pray to him. A Christlike husband will pay attention when his wife talks to him. If we husbands want the Lord to hear us when we pray, perhaps we had better learn to listen to our wives.

Christ promised never to leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  A husband or wife who wants an unrestricted prayer life must promise the same thing.

Here, then, are three of the ways our prayers may be hindered. If we deal with them according to scripture,  our confidence in prayer may be restored and spiritual power renewed.

Pastor Randy Faulkner

 

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Paul Wrote about Sex

Paul Wrote about Sex

Paul wrote about sex. Much of what he wrote cut across the grain of first-century pagan society. For the same reason, many people reject his teachings today. His 2000-year-old views are considered out-of-date and unworkable in today’s world.

Why should the opinions of a first-century Jewish rabbi influence how we conduct ourselves in the privacy of our own bedrooms? Because he speaks for Jesus. The Lord Jesus said, “Very truly I tell you, whoever accepts anyone I send accepts me; and whoever accepts me accepts the one who sent me” (John 13:20).

In this space, I have been writing about apostolic authority in the ministry of Paul. He taught and wrote like an inspired delegate of the Lord himself. His writings carried the authority of the Lord Jesus (Galatians 1:11-12). When he wrote about sex it was because sexual immorality was a problem that needed to be addressed in the churches he founded in the world of the Roman Empire.

What did Paul mean when he told Christians to avoid sexual immorality? The word he used, porneia, is an inclusive word denoting all sex outside of heterosexual marriage. This is a term which included prostitution (1 Corinthians 6:13-20), incest (1 Corinthians 5:1),  and homosexual practice (1 Corinthians 6:9). It is easy to see why people today want to try to explain away, reinterpret, or discredit Paul’s teaching.

His influence is unpopular because American society is moving in the opposite direction of God’s moral law. Many people are embracing the practices and beliefs of those who do not know God.  They are taking their cues from movies, TV, social media, and from a morally vacuous intellectual elite.

On the other hand, Paul writes about faithfulness in marriage in 1 Corinthians 7 because God upholds the sanctity of marriage. He writes about moral purity in 1 Thessalonians 4 because God wants his people to reflect his holy character. He writes about homosexual practice in Romans 1 because it is a violation of the natural order of God’s creation. Immoral practices are offensive to a holy God “who will punish all who commit such sins” (1 Thessalonians 4:6).

Paul instructs us “how to live in order to please God … It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:1, 3-5). Paul writes the way he does because he knows that God still has a say in this matter. 

He added that “anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit” (1 Thessalonians 1:8).  That statement reflects his authority as a spokesman for Jesus Christ.

Now for some questions.

Was Paul a prude? Was he against pleasure? Not at all. He always agreed with the  Hebrew scriptures. The Old Testament said that marital intimacy was for pleasure as well as procreation (Genesis 18:12). The scriptures celebrate this in Proverbs 5:18-19 and Song of Solomon. Nothing Paul says contradicts this. In fact, he took a firm stand against asceticism and legalism in his writings (Colossians 2:16, 20-23, 1 Timothy 4:1-4). He consistently affirmed the beauty and mystery of human sexuality in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:36, Ephesians 5:31-33).

Did Paul hate homosexuals? To be sure, he condemned homosexual behavior (Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9, 1 Timothy 1:10). It was the act or the practice of homosexuality against which he wrote so clearly. But the apostle who told us to speak the truth in love, did that very thing when he cared for the souls of all men and women saying, “God wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (1 Timothy2:4). God does not hate homosexuals and neither did Paul.

He taught that sexual expression is for marriage, and, like Jesus (Mark 10:6-9), he taught that a true marriage is a union of a male and a female. This was established by the Creator when he instituted marriage (Genesis 1:27, 2:24). Gay marriage is not wrong because straight people feel that it is wrong. It is wrong because God’s Word says so. To agree with God’s Word is not bigotry or hatred. It is “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

What did he mean by the term “flesh”? The physical flesh of the human body is not sinful. The word “flesh” is often used metaphorically to refer to the sinful nature in human beings. Paul is not saying that the body is evil or pleasure is wrong when he listed the sinful “works of the flesh” in Galatians 5:19-21. Sexual sins are included in the list but there are other offenses that are just as damaging, such as hatred, discord, jealousy, rage, selfishness, drunkenness, etc. Paul was not obsessed with sex. He was addressing specific problems in the Christian communities of the Greek and Roman world of the first century.

Shouldn’t these teachings on sex be interpreted in a culturally limited way? Admittedly, some of Paul’s instructions in the New Testament have a limited application to specific places and circumstances. Examples include eating foods sacrificed to idols, head coverings in worship services, certain spiritual gifts, and what Paul says, and doesn’t say, about slavery.

Paul’s teachings on sexual conduct for Christians are not limited to one place or time. The same teachings were written to churches in different locations all over the world. They were consistent with the teachings of the Old Testament and those of Jesus. They are rooted in God’s created order and as such are to be applied universally. His picture of monogamous, heterosexual marriage is a sublime illustration of Christ and his bride, the church.

When Paul wrote about sex, he did so to steer us away from the damage and penalties that follow a lifestyle of immorality. His teaching guides us into a life that aligns with God’s “good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12: 1-2).

    –  Pastor Randy Faulkner Randy 2019-spring

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